Author: Nikki

“Don’t let it rent your head” – this is a mantra that has stuck with me for a while now, and I can normally let things go easily… but this one is very much renting my head, and so getting out out in a ‘blog post, so potentially also the lady that is renting my head might see it,  is a useful thing to do, if only because it gets out of my head!

I’m one of those people that pretty much always has music in their head – I get ear wormed  really easily, and I tend to not bother with a mp3 player in my day-to-day commute as I don’t need one…

For me, the music also leaks out, and I’ll sing, hum or whistle as I’m walking along, in my own little world, sometimes to aid the rhythm of walking at a good pace, but at other times without even realising the sound has externalised.

Over the weekend just gone I was ear wormed by a friend via Twitter – Informer by a Canadian reggae musician called Snow. It came out in 1992, but I didn’t think I had a clue what it was, I’d never heard the title, so I click the link and get a “Oh, that’s what that song is called” moment, which then turns into an ear worm.

The music tends to leak more when I’m tired, and this weekend I didn’t get a great deal of sleep, so a deficit was definitely there. Hence, a whistle of the song as the lyrics roll past my brain’s ears happens as I’m walking, I’m totally in my own head and I’ve not consciously recognising I’m whistling loudly.

So, there I am, Tuesday morning, heading into work around 10:45. Passing through KGX underground from the Picadilly line, and, as I’m coming in from a medical appointment, I decide to head through the tunnel to the exit by Boots which is closer to work, rather than the tunnel that  leads to the Post Office, where I usually exit.

Suddenly, a lady looks back over her shoulder and angrily throws the word “Tosser!” at me as she walks past me, faster than I am moving.

I don’t remember all the words we exchanged, but I do remember stopping in my tracks, litterally pulled up for a couple of steps  and exclaiming something like “eh? I’m whistling”.

She made another over her shoulder remark about me/it “being disgusting” that made me defensively say “But I’m just whistling, not at you, I’m just whistling a tune”, to which she then angrily said (And this one stuck) “You think that is acceptable behaviour in this country?”

To which my natural response, now spoken rather loudly as she is a good 30 meters in front of me was “Yes, it is totally acceptable to whistle in this Country!”

I know there was another word exchange that I can’t remember  before her parting “Piss off!” as she turned into the Circle Gate line, and my returned high volume “You too!!” as I turned to walk up the stairs to the street. (Anyone that knows me knows I can generate volume!)

I hit surface and pretty much burst into tears – Frustrated, angry, jagged breath tears. I headed up to the office and spent a good 10 minutes pulling myself together.

So, why is this exchange renting my head so much?

I think it’s because I feel like I’ve been falsely accused of “doing a wrong” when I know I haven’t – I can only presume that she thought I was a guy that wolf-whistled her. (You know, I’m 5’10” and broad shouldered… In my winter coat, I’m not your typical female silhouette… I reckon I was a good 5″ taller than her)

I think that I’m also on edge about the “this country” part of the comment – So, not only does she potentially think I’m a misogynist pig,  she thinks I’m possibly also a foreigner and so therefore was throwing racist sentiment at me.

And these things don’t sit well with me, on a couple of levels. Hence, Head Renting –  because I’m not going to get the answers to the below:

If I’ve “done a wrong” I want to know what, so I can remediate that.
And for the life of me, I know I’ve not “done a wrong” even if my actions were perceived as one.

I’m British, I’m English, and born in this very city I’m a Londoner through and through.
And I *know* that my behaviour (walking whilst whistling a tune) was within the bounds of acceptable norms in this fair city, as well as the rest of the UK.

So…

To the lady that so irritated and frustrated me,  hopefully, as this is now out of my head and in my ‘blog, I can stop thinking about you.

I wish you well, and hope that the frustration you were feeling that day that caused you to lash out at me are now resolved.

Unconditional Universal Love,
Nikki.

Lydia & I wanted to get away from it all, so, we booked a long weekend in a “luxury” Exmoor B&B – Higher Riscombe Farm

As we weren’t in a hurry, we took the “old road” (M3, A303) for the drive down. That would have been fine, but getting across London on a Friday is never fun! It took us about 2 hours (in a hot car!) to get across to the M3!

But, once we got moving, all was good. Until is started to rain… Further slowing down what had been a tedious drive anyway! It cleared as we reached Stonehenge though, and we stopped for a bite to eat etc. at “The Bell Inn” in Winterbourne Stoke, which is just down the road. I have to say, it is one of the most unfriendly pubs I’ve ever been in. Not that the service was bad per se, but the staff felt jaded, what was on offer was rather over priced (I’ve had cheaper diet coke in Central London pubs!) and not really great quality and (worst sin of all) there were signs up all over the car park in inside saying that “facilities are for customers only”. Not exactly welcoming.  We ate fast and pushed on.

All of the delay and rain mean that we got to Higher Riscombe about 3 hours later than anticipated. AS we thought we would get there about 4pm, the owner of the B&B, Rachel, had booked us in for a 6.30pm dinner at The Royal Oak Inn in Withypool

Several phone calls whilst en-route ensured that the reservation got pushed back to 9pm, and our arrival at the farm at 8.15pm was a rather “get in, dump bags, sort it out later, get directions, bye!” affair.

Once slightly hairy drive down a very steep hill later, and we get to the pub for dinner… and I’ll tell you what, The Royal Oak was the exact opposite of The Bell Inn!!!

Welcoming and unhurried service, even though we were rather late and really rather fantastic food!

 

Just such a shame I was driving, they had a really good selection of local Ciders!

So, we eat very well, get back to the farm and pretty much fell into bed, after planning what we might want to see in the local area in the morning.

However, nature it seems, had other plans. This is the view to which we awoke – a rather foggy & wet morning indeed!

Most annoying!

So, instead of getting up and going exploring, as we had intended, we got up, had a fine helping of both cold and cooked breakfast

  

and then took advantage of a day’s respite to be very lazy and indulgent, using the room’s facilities of a double Jacuzzi bath and huge shower to full unwind potential.

At breakfast, we’d chatted with Rachel about that evening’s dinner, and she recommended and booked for us an early place at The Culbone. Again, I regret driving, as the wine selection as awesome, but I was more than happy with the food, so I didn’t really miss it! The steak (& if you know me, I’m always going to pick a good steak!) of Devon Red cows was sublime!

The manager also allowed us to buy a bottle of the Malbec we had with dinner as an off-sale, so I got to try it later.

Mind you, I’m also very very glad that I hadn’t had a drink with dinner, because the way home again was an adventure trek to say the least! I’d had a sip of Lydia’s malbec, but I’d declined to have my own glass, as the journey home was going to be down narrow country road, but unlike on the journey out, in the dark. I’m a good driver, but challenging single track muddy country road surrounded by trees, not something you want to try with anything less than full reaction time.

We took the wrong turn off the A39, and after 3/4hr of driving ended up going around in a HUGE loop up hill and down dale (and via some very wooded tracks and some pretty and rather misty  highlands… and Exmoor ponies in the road!) and ended up back on the A39, but about 2 miles in the wrong direction for home!

So, we looked at the map, and decided that initially “going the wrong way” but using main roads via Lynton (A39 into Lynton, then the B3223 down to Simonsbath) would be a safer bet. It was much safer, but still definitely an adventure!

The safer route took us via Countisbury Hill, which we hit just at sunset. We got to see this very beautiful sundown over the sea, which we would have missed totally if we had taken the correct road from the A39:

The Pictures on my phone really don’t do it justice. We stopped in a viewing point for about 15 minutes, watching the sky change colours.

Anyway, we got home safe a while later, my having held my breath rather lots on the very dark drive home, and I had a well earned glass of wine whilst we watched a very silly DVD to unwind.

So, Sunday rolls around, and typically in all British holidays, the day dawned clear and beautiful.

So, having a good breakfast, we set off for home, deciding that the A39 was as good a road to get us back to the A303 as any, which took us along the B322 via Dulverton, (Where we strolled, admired hand made jewellery, bought trinkets and gifts for people) Porlock, (Where we ate the packed lunch provided by Rachel, found The Big Cheese and bought Whortleberry chutney and, naturally, much cheese) and then a second lunch and a nose around the shops in Glastonbury.

From Glastonbury, it’s a small skip to the A303 and homeward. The Journey home was lots quicker… no hold-ups, traffic or rain, and, as you can guess, we avoided The Bell Inn!

As the title says, this is expansion on the “New things” from my last post… I started typing it all into that post, but it turned into a post of it’s own! So, here we go…

In 2009/2010, Tim & I had been seeing another lady together, We made a fine trio, but… she is essentially monogamous and not really that bi. So, after a rather wonderful 7 months or so of relationship, she had a bit of life/mono “crisis” and so broke up with us Early July 2010, as she couldn’t be true to herself & stay in a relationship with the pair of us.

Personally, I have no issue with that. Being true to oneself is a thing that is very dear to my heart.

But… Tim is a rather lovable man, for all his faults, and she just couldn’t stay away from him.
She re-established Tim only contact again in Early August with a view to picking up with him again romantically.

He told me about this a month later, in Early September, in a txt message whilst I was at work.

That txt message was like an ice-pick through my heart. Such betrayal of  our one simple relationship rule: “You can do anything or anyone you like, just tell” was really beyond what should have been tolerable.

Hindsight tells me that I should have just DTMFA, however, as has been well documented, “Love makes you do the wacky” and so, bearing in mind the the open principle of Tim & I’s “primary partnership” style of poly relationship, I wrote both of them a long letter, outlining how I felt about their betrayal but that I could not with a clear conscience keep them from seeing each other as they both fed each other in ways Tim and I did not and stay true to my own principles. (This is one of the bed-rocks of Poly as I understand and practise it, “No one can be anyone’s 100%)

I was also very clear about the fact that I wanted the 100% honesty that had been missing in the month previously & that I didn’t ever want any surprises about either my or their relationship ever again.

So, things limped on. And it was definitely limped, as Tim spent more of his free weekends with her, and I became more frustrated with feeling like I didn’t know “all the things” that were going on with my life.

I remarked about a month before he actually broke up with me that it felt as if he were cheating on me, even though I knew what was going on.

So, when he finally did break with me because he needed to be with her (March 31st), apart from it feeling like I’d been kicked in the stomach, the overwhelming feeling was pretty much relief.

Was a strange month that followed that. In some ways, that final limbo month was time that I felt closer and more connected to Tim than I’d felt in 3 years, we talked way more than we had in ages about all manner of things, shared more time in the same space, made love more tenderly.

Tim and Tony the handyman (Very excellent fellow, highly recommend him!) ripped the house apart some more, removing teh concrete plinth from around the fireplace and ripping down a dividing wall in prep for the new kitchen (& I really have to make an album of all the photos!)

In the middle of the month we headed out in a van full of yarn for a week and did a show together (Festival of Embroidery and Quilts in Uttoxeter) that was very successful in terms of people met & inspiration gained if not in profits taken.

But finally, the day rolled around when he was moving out,  Saturday 30th April. It was theoretically temporarily, he’d be back in 6 weeks, to help me finish the house before moving out properly when we had the house in a shape that I could  get a Lodger, August-ish.

I’d been stripping wallpaper as he packed, he brought all his bags down, totally changed his clothes, right down to socks & pants, leaving what he had been wearing in a pile on the living room floor like a snake sloughing an old skin.

He mounted up his bags on himself and his bike-frame, kissed me goodbye with passion & strolled off with a happy smile & a lift in his step, like him and his bike were just off out on a grand adventure.

I cried a lot that night. I went over to see Karl & Ann & bawled my frickin’ eyes out.

As noted however, I didn’t stay single for long. I’ve got a habit of finding the right people to be in my life, & within the course of 17 days, my heart gained 3 new people to love.

A few days after Tim broke up with me in April, I met a wonderful girl called Lydia.

I chatted to her, was totally enamoured of her, managed to wangle a number out of her but was way too scared to use it.
Firstly, I really wasn’t ready. I had a whole month of weird that I had to get through before I could even thing about “moving on”.
Secondly though, Lydia is a girl, I’d never tried to “chat-up” a girl before… We are all terrifying and illogical!

“Pulling Boys” (for want of a better way of putting it) is easy. “Show them your boobs” or some other general visual tactic generally works. 😉 Girls though, how does that work? I was in panic-mode about it big-time.

On the way back from Karl & Ann’s I was talking to my really good friend Ronnie about all that had happened that weekend & also about what the hell was I supposed to do about the wonderful girl… & I owe him a pint because, excellent chap that he is, he told me to just call the damn girl and stop faffing about!

So, I called her. I made a date with her for the next day, May 2nd. It went rather well, I didn’t muck it up and she wanted to see me again! So, the first date lead to another on the 12th; way more intense, an intimate evening ensued where secrets were shared & emotions forged… which led to many more long and languid conversations & interactions about life, love and everything that entails.

I then met a boy. Being back on the “dating scene” I was determined not to mope at home, and so, when a club-night outing to came up on May 13th, I got my glad rags on and headed out.

I’ve got rather a good and wide set of friends, so most of my evening was engaging with them, explaining about the whole “being single” thing to the friends I’d not seen in a month or so, the same friends then expressing shock that Tim had left me etc etc.

I got chatting with my friend Alys. She had with her a handsome young chap that she was chaperoning for the evening and as I was feeling rather down, she suggested that a good snog would cheer me up, and so offered the lips of the young chap to do this with.

So, I kissed him. It was, very surprisingly, a rather good kiss, one that “connected”… So about 5 minutes later, I asked him his name. Matthew.

The evening progressed, we chatted about all manner of things & at the end of the evening, we swapped numbers.  As he left the club around 5am, he txted me from the train home that he’d had a lovely evening, and would it be too soon to ask to see me next week sometime.  Never one to hang about however, I (metaphorically) showed him boobs ;-).

I said it was never too soon and asked him what he was doing that night. He was available & so I invited him over to my neck of the woods for dinner… Again, much talking happened & an unexpected intimacy formed, again that “connected” feeling, like I’d known him & his energy & body for far longer than I actually had. He pulled on visceral emotional centres that I hadn’t even realised had been neglected from having not been connected with in so long with Tim.

Finally, I was also chatting with people via a dating website, & one particular chap asked if he could meet me. I told him I was going to me at a meet-up the following Wednesday. Max was a)lovely & b)not an axe-murderer so I asked him out to dinner the following week & then blew his mind over what happens on a first date. 😉 He’s chock-full of “English reserve” so I think I’m continuing to redefine just “how women behave” for him on a regular basis.

All three of these relationships continue to grow and nourish me in so many ways. As I mentioned in the last Post, I personally don’t believe that any0ne can be someone’s 100%. They also complement each other, Matthew and Lydia built a relationship of their own, as well with me. Max is a little too reserved for that!

They all fill niches that complement the others, Matthew by nature of his work is only with us a couple of times a month, as he is not in London, but Lydia and Max both are, so I see lots of them.

Right now, the dust is just about settled on Tim, the house is ordered (pretty much, all the decor is done, kitchen is totally in & tiled, I’m even planning a sofa soon!) & life is good.

WOW! I just realised that my last ‘blog about life was exactly a year ago. Twitter really did eat my ‘blog!

I’ve also realised that some of the challenges I listed then are still very much valid now.

However, lots of the stuff has also changed, some for better, some for worse.

I haven’t managed that sabbatical yet (although it is desparately still required, for mostly the same reasons…) and although I theoretically have slightly more time, due to not having Tim’s Chilrens every other weekend (I’ll talk about that below) life filled with other things that are both wonderful and awfully time consuming!

House Chaos: Almost sorted.
This weekend is a massive milestone.
If you’ve been following my twitter feed you’ll have seen the various pictures of various bits of the house coming together. This weekend, after ~4.5 years of being in the house, I’m (finally!) having my housewarming party. Yes, the house isn’t “finished” by any stretch of the imagination, but the work left to do is almost all entirely decorative now, and the last 3 major bits to do with building work are booked in for next week (subject to quote etc!).
So, the “bones” of the thing are all there; new wiring, new boiler, new kitchen; all done, dusted and sorted.
Now it’s just the meat to go; flooring, painting, curtains, furniture, crockery, cutlery… All the “fluffy stuffs” that make houses into “home”.

Mum: Healed, but not quite whole
Mum’s head is coming together, and her emotional responses are pretty much back to where they were before the accident. I think she is about as good as she’s going to get, although she’s still a little deaf and has almost no sense of smell now. However, I also think that the time off it gave her has allowed her time and space to work through the issues that both Granddad and his death gave her, and getting resolution with them has made her more stable in that respect.

Fibres Exotica: That rolls, & rolls well but not without its hiccoughs!
The business is growing, it makes sales every month & I took myself & half-a-tonne* of yarn to Knitting and Stitching 2010, Stitch & Craft 2011 & Embroidery and Quilting 2011. The shows were huge successes in terms of business awareness and my personal satisfaction & learning. I’ve met many many enthusiastic crafters in the last year! 🙂

I’ve also worked with designers and got some patterns made, free ones and ones that cost a little money .

Unfortunally though, although you take money at yarn shows, you don’t tend to don’t make any money at all  in terms of profit; after you take out the cost of the stand & transport (no thought of paying yourself!), if you are my size, you are lucky to break even.

However, you just look upon them as advertising, & just enjoy doing it!

So, right now, I’m looking forward to doing Knitting and Stitching 2011 (which given what I’ve learned in terms of layout, sales techniques, what people want, how to engage them etc etc) should be fun!

Main target now is figure out how to make enough time to do the work to photograph & upload yarn to keep the website fully stocked, and then make it make enough money so that I can stop working full-time on the day-job. Crack that and I’ll be well on my way to a good career change. 🙂

LCUK, and my other website maintenance: No progress
With all the other stuff that has been happening (and the sheer amount of things that have happened since I last ‘blogged is massive), I’ve simply not had time, and since November a desk, to sit there and do a serious session of website updating! 🙁

I have serious guilt about this, but I can’t do everything in the time I have.

New things: After almost exactly 5 years, Tim (my “Guru of the Mystic” as I called him on here) broke up with me at the beginning of April & moved out a month later, after a very weird month indeed… I think I’m only really just sifting through the mind-debris that his leaving caused.

However, true to Nikki form, I managed to stay single the grand total of 2 days , not that I realised this until about mid-June!!

I now have 3 wonderful people in my life, helping me make house home, fix debris & heal the hurts.

“Three people???” I hear you say? Well, to quantify my “relationship outlook”, as I’ve never really talked on here about it, I’m Polyamorus.  I’m also Bisexual (and proud), and I’m sure you all know by now from the reading that I’m rather kinky too.

I’ll talk about all that in another ‘blog post though,  as this one is way long as it is!

*More like 60Kg, but still lots!