As the title says, this is expansion on the “New things” from my last post… I started typing it all into that post, but it turned into a post of it’s own! So, here we go…
In 2009/2010, Tim & I had been seeing another lady together, We made a fine trio, but… she is essentially monogamous and not really that bi. So, after a rather wonderful 7 months or so of relationship, she had a bit of life/mono “crisis” and so broke up with us Early July 2010, as she couldn’t be true to herself & stay in a relationship with the pair of us.
Personally, I have no issue with that. Being true to oneself is a thing that is very dear to my heart.
But… Tim is a rather lovable man, for all his faults, and she just couldn’t stay away from him.
She re-established Tim only contact again in Early August with a view to picking up with him again romantically.
He told me about this a month later, in Early September, in a txt message whilst I was at work.
That txt message was like an ice-pick through my heart. Such betrayal of our one simple relationship rule: “You can do anything or anyone you like, just tell” was really beyond what should have been tolerable.
Hindsight tells me that I should have just DTMFA, however, as has been well documented, “Love makes you do the wacky” and so, bearing in mind the the open principle of Tim & I’s “primary partnership” style of poly relationship, I wrote both of them a long letter, outlining how I felt about their betrayal but that I could not with a clear conscience keep them from seeing each other as they both fed each other in ways Tim and I did not and stay true to my own principles. (This is one of the bed-rocks of Poly as I understand and practise it, “No one can be anyone’s 100%)
I was also very clear about the fact that I wanted the 100% honesty that had been missing in the month previously & that I didn’t ever want any surprises about either my or their relationship ever again.
So, things limped on. And it was definitely limped, as Tim spent more of his free weekends with her, and I became more frustrated with feeling like I didn’t know “all the things” that were going on with my life.
I remarked about a month before he actually broke up with me that it felt as if he were cheating on me, even though I knew what was going on.
So, when he finally did break with me because he needed to be with her (March 31st), apart from it feeling like I’d been kicked in the stomach, the overwhelming feeling was pretty much relief.
Was a strange month that followed that. In some ways, that final limbo month was time that I felt closer and more connected to Tim than I’d felt in 3 years, we talked way more than we had in ages about all manner of things, shared more time in the same space, made love more tenderly.
Tim and Tony the handyman (Very excellent fellow, highly recommend him!) ripped the house apart some more, removing teh concrete plinth from around the fireplace and ripping down a dividing wall in prep for the new kitchen (& I really have to make an album of all the photos!)
In the middle of the month we headed out in a van full of yarn for a week and did a show together (Festival of Embroidery and Quilts in Uttoxeter) that was very successful in terms of people met & inspiration gained if not in profits taken.
But finally, the day rolled around when he was moving out, Saturday 30th April. It was theoretically temporarily, he’d be back in 6 weeks, to help me finish the house before moving out properly when we had the house in a shape that I could get a Lodger, August-ish.
I’d been stripping wallpaper as he packed, he brought all his bags down, totally changed his clothes, right down to socks & pants, leaving what he had been wearing in a pile on the living room floor like a snake sloughing an old skin.
He mounted up his bags on himself and his bike-frame, kissed me goodbye with passion & strolled off with a happy smile & a lift in his step, like him and his bike were just off out on a grand adventure.
I cried a lot that night. I went over to see Karl & Ann & bawled my frickin’ eyes out.
As noted however, I didn’t stay single for long. I’ve got a habit of finding the right people to be in my life, & within the course of 17 days, my heart gained 3 new people to love.
A few days after Tim broke up with me in April, I met a wonderful girl called Lydia.
I chatted to her, was totally enamoured of her, managed to wangle a number out of her but was way too scared to use it.
Firstly, I really wasn’t ready. I had a whole month of weird that I had to get through before I could even thing about “moving on”.
Secondly though, Lydia is a girl, I’d never tried to “chat-up” a girl before… We are all terrifying and illogical!
“Pulling Boys” (for want of a better way of putting it) is easy. “Show them your boobs” or some other general visual tactic generally works. 😉 Girls though, how does that work? I was in panic-mode about it big-time.
On the way back from Karl & Ann’s I was talking to my really good friend Ronnie about all that had happened that weekend & also about what the hell was I supposed to do about the wonderful girl… & I owe him a pint because, excellent chap that he is, he told me to just call the damn girl and stop faffing about!
So, I called her. I made a date with her for the next day, May 2nd. It went rather well, I didn’t muck it up and she wanted to see me again! So, the first date lead to another on the 12th; way more intense, an intimate evening ensued where secrets were shared & emotions forged… which led to many more long and languid conversations & interactions about life, love and everything that entails.
I then met a boy. Being back on the “dating scene” I was determined not to mope at home, and so, when a club-night outing to came up on May 13th, I got my glad rags on and headed out.
I’ve got rather a good and wide set of friends, so most of my evening was engaging with them, explaining about the whole “being single” thing to the friends I’d not seen in a month or so, the same friends then expressing shock that Tim had left me etc etc.
I got chatting with my friend Alys. She had with her a handsome young chap that she was chaperoning for the evening and as I was feeling rather down, she suggested that a good snog would cheer me up, and so offered the lips of the young chap to do this with.
So, I kissed him. It was, very surprisingly, a rather good kiss, one that “connected”… So about 5 minutes later, I asked him his name. Matthew.
The evening progressed, we chatted about all manner of things & at the end of the evening, we swapped numbers. As he left the club around 5am, he txted me from the train home that he’d had a lovely evening, and would it be too soon to ask to see me next week sometime. Never one to hang about however, I (metaphorically) showed him boobs ;-).
I said it was never too soon and asked him what he was doing that night. He was available & so I invited him over to my neck of the woods for dinner… Again, much talking happened & an unexpected intimacy formed, again that “connected” feeling, like I’d known him & his energy & body for far longer than I actually had. He pulled on visceral emotional centres that I hadn’t even realised had been neglected from having not been connected with in so long with Tim.
Finally, I was also chatting with people via a dating website, & one particular chap asked if he could meet me. I told him I was going to me at a meet-up the following Wednesday. Max was a)lovely & b)not an axe-murderer so I asked him out to dinner the following week & then blew his mind over what happens on a first date. 😉 He’s chock-full of “English reserve” so I think I’m continuing to redefine just “how women behave” for him on a regular basis.
All three of these relationships continue to grow and nourish me in so many ways. As I mentioned in the last Post, I personally don’t believe that any0ne can be someone’s 100%. They also complement each other, Matthew and Lydia built a relationship of their own, as well with me. Max is a little too reserved for that!
They all fill niches that complement the others, Matthew by nature of his work is only with us a couple of times a month, as he is not in London, but Lydia and Max both are, so I see lots of them.
Right now, the dust is just about settled on Tim, the house is ordered (pretty much, all the decor is done, kitchen is totally in & tiled, I’m even planning a sofa soon!) & life is good.