I knew that I was Sunday Guy’s “Transitional Gal”, but I think that my wish to not to tie him down to exclusivity has blown up in my face, because:
- You cannot really ask a guy that you are “just dating” and has just split from his wife for exclusivity, as he is
- Still married, and so cannot techincally offer it, and
- needs to learn about life again having mentally been in a place that he didn’t want to be for a while…
- As I generally suq at Monogamy (freedom of expression is where I’m at really… I’m very aware that I don’t believe that anyone can be another’s “100%”), I don’t usually ask for it.
So, 3 wonderful week’s later, and we’ve split. My choice.
I got very paranoid over the weekend, and as per normal, my instincts were bang-on. His “other person”, that I freely let him find his way with wants Monogamy.
So, although she said that she was happy with the situation for the now, she said to him that she would prefer it if he wasn’t sleeping with me as well as her… I’d guessed something was up, because of sudden withdrawl of “all things snugglyness” back end of last week, and the sudden usage of the word “We” in txts about plans and arrangements over the weekend.
If he’s thinking in “we” terms about her already, then it would have ended with her making him choose anyway, and and as I don’t have the strength to deal with possible future doom and the Paranoia of waiting for it right now, I pre-emtively struck and bailed.
It is teh suq, big time! 🙁 I was really enjoying not hurting… But hey, if I can’t have him all, having tasted his sensuality, his soul, and his heart, and all the numminess that goes with it already, I’d just rather not bother and/or get truely destroyed later, you know?
I’m so fed up of being told “You’re perfect… just not quite perfect enough.”
Blergh. I’ve done the right thing, and set him Free to explore where she takes him… If he comes back, all good, if not, well, his mind isn’t in prison anymore, so my work is done anyway.
Maybe, when all is said and done, he was my “Transitional Guy”, the person I needed to prove to me that I am a damn sexy lady… Either way, At least I do know that I have my Mojo back, and that this is just a temporary hiccough.
I think that I’ve come to realise that I although I want someone I care about to have lots of sex with on a regular basis (Because, that is my great mood stabiliser after all), what I actually need is someone to give me “Roots and Wings.”
The Security to know that however high I fly, where ever I go, and how ever far from “Home” I get in my explorations, that “Home” is always there for me, and knows that I will always come back. I think that is how I actually managed Sexual Monogamy with my Ex (for the first time ever in 16 years of “boyfriends”…) He let me chase, flirt, snog and generally have Fet. fun with whomever, knowing that I would always come Home, and that I wasn’t “being unfaithful” in the conventional sence. Trust is a wonderful thing…
All this realisation doesn’t stop it feeling like there’s a hole in my soul though.